


Lost and Found

by HelenaHGWells



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Angst, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-05-22 12:28:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6079341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelenaHGWells/pseuds/HelenaHGWells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set directly after Hide and Seek- fills in some of the blanks or 'missing scenes' immediately after Maura is found, and might explain some of Jane's distant behaviour in Murderjuana. Slow burn, angst, and Rizzles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 "I tried not to breathe in when he put the chloroform over my mouth; I just went still and he thought I'd passed out. Then he carried me down to the tunnels, and I waited til he put me down, and then I slashed at his face with the piece of metal I found in the room where he'd been holding me. And then I just ran."

 

She's so strong, Jane thought, watching her friend through the interview room window. She did everything she could have done to keep herself safe, and to stay alert for any opportunity to make her escape. She'd come so far in the time Jane had known her. Just a few years ago Maura didn't even know how to hold a gun, and would completely panic in stressful situations. Jane was so proud of her, but she also felt sick to her stomach that it was necessary for Marua to become so self-reliant. She was a doctor, not a cop. She was supposed to stay safely behind the lines while people like Jane and Frankie and Korsak risked their lives; people with training; people for whom it was in the job description.

The only reason Maura had been in such danger was because of her.

She watched through the window as Vince took Maura's statement, gnawing at her lip and twisting an errant curl around and around her finger nervously. He'd offered to let Jane take point, but she just couldn't bring herself to take Maura through her story. She needed to hear it; desperately needed to hear every horrible detail of what had happened to her friend, even as she feared it. But she couldn't be objective about it. Not yet.

As she listened to Vince's careful promptings, she was reminded powerfully of another time she'd watched Maura through an interview room window; when she had been drugged and set up for murder. They'd taken her clothes, had to do a rape kit… Jane closed her eyes against the memory and the wave of nausea it brought. Back then it would never have occurred to her to let anyone else take point on the case. She'd been with Maura every step of the way; from the initial interview to visiting her in jail to make sure she was ok. But that case was simple; Maura was in trouble and she needed help; needed protecting. What was Jane supposed to do now, when the person Maura needed protection from was herself?

Maura had been taken to hurt Jane. She had been hurt to hurt Jane. Somehow it had never occurred to her before that this could happen. She knew the risks to herself when she took on the job, and she accepted them. To an extent, she accepted that her brother would be in danger too, when he joined the force. But Maura, and her mother, they weren't supposed to take on those risks; that wasn't a choice they'd made. But it seemed to have been a choice Jane had made for them. And now Maura was paying for it.

"You said you heard him talking on the phone?" Korsak prompted gently in the interview room.

"Yes," Maura nodded. "Judging by the time that passed between the phonecall and your arrival, and taking into account what I now know to be the location of the building where I was being held and its distance from BPD, he must have received warning from his accomplice almost as soon as you found his location."

Maura was struggling; facts were her tell. When emotions ran high she would rely on detail; on the things she knew to be true and absolute and could understand. Her Google-speak when she was nervous was endearing, but the flat, dispassionate tone with which she gave her statement now set Jane's teeth on edge. She rubbed the scars on her hands absent-mindedly, mirroring Maura's discomfort.

"Can you remember what he said on the phone? Anything that could give us a clue as to who Harris was working with?"

Maura shook her head, frowning as she replayed the conversation in her mind. "He was careful not to say anything to identify the person he was speaking with. Harris had clearly been given instructions; he was very anxious to assure the other person that he'd followed them to the letter. He said he'd always left his phone at the prison as instructed; that he didn't know how you connected him to the hospital where I was being kept.

Maura paused, thinking, a look of concern crossing her face. Jane caught it right away, and was relieved that Korsak did too.

"What is it, Maura?"

"I don't know… He just… Harris seemed upset that he had let this other person down. Like he was anxious to assure them that he had followed instructions, that it wasn't his fault."

"You think Harris was scared of his accomplice?"

Maura shook her head. "No. He seemed… devoted. It reminded me of…" her eyes flickered to the one-way window where Jane stood, quietly watching. She felt her heart rate quicken at having been caught out- of course Maura knew she was there. And she knew that whatever she was going to say was going to be difficult for Jane to hear.

"Reminded you of…?" Korsak prompted gently.

Maura stealed herself, looked away from the glass and back at Korsak.

"It reminded me of the influence and control Charles Hoyt had over his apprentices. How they would have done anything for him; how they followed his instructions to the letter."

Jane's hands balled into fists, her knuckles white as her fingernails dug into her palms. _Hoyt_. Surely this couldn't have anything to do with him. Hoyt was dead; she'd killed him. She'd stabbed him in the heart the last time he'd come for her and Maura. And yet… this person had taken Maura; had targeted her just like Hoyt had, knowing the effect her abduction would have on Jane…

"Charles Hoyt is dead, Maura," Vince spoke reassuringly.

"I know," Maura nodded, eyes downcast, avoiding looking at the interview room window. "It just reminded me of that relationship. I don't think Harris had any real stake in this. He took me because he was told to. Because he wanted to prove his loyalty or to gain favor from this other person."

Korsak nodded. "We still haven't found any connection between Harris and Jane."

"And you won't. He didn't know anything about Jane. I asked him why he had taken me and not one of Jane's sisters- he didn't even know she didn't have any sisters. But he wanted us to think this was his idea; that he wanted to hurt Jane. He tried to play the part. He just didn't know enough to do it well."

Even when she was in that much danger, Maura had managed to play detective, get Harris to talk, and find out useful information. Jane forced herself to relax her hands, her nails starting to draw blood where they cut into her palms. Harris hadn't even know why Maura was important. He'd taken her simply because he had been told to. His last words echoed in her mind as she'd demanded to know why he had started this vendetta against her- why her?

_Why not?_

It was the worst non-answer. And now she knew it was the truth. He had no vested interest in hurting her, or Maura. They were a means to an end; a way for him to gain favor with the person who truly meant her harm. The person who was still out there, planning his next move.

* * *

Maura had barely seen Jane since the EMTs loaded her into the ambulance and took her to Mass General. The doctors had pronounced her to be in good health overall, just a few cuts and bruises, plus dehydration and exhaustion. They'd decided to keep her at the hospital overnight for observation, and some techs from the crime lab had come to collect her clothes for analysis, though she doubted they'd find anything of interest on them; she'd only interacted with Harris, and they had his body and his car, which were much more likely sources of additional evidence.

Jane had come straight from the crime scene to the hospital like she promised. She looked exhausted; Maura was sure neither of them had slept since the threats against Jane began. But her friend didn't seem ready to rest yet. After checking in with the doctors to make sure Maura was ok, she posted two guards on her room and left again to check over Maura's house, to make sure it would be safe to come back to the following day.

Angela had come by soon after and sat with Maura all night while she slept fitfully. She kept jerking awake in a panic, staring around groggily at her unfamiliar surroundings, like surfacing from a chloroform-induced haze. Angela hushed her softly and held her hand until she settled again. She wondered vaguely why Hope hadn't come to see her. Angela said she'd called to let her know Maura had been found safely. Constance was catching the next flight from Europe, but her biological mother who lived so much closer was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps she felt that she'd be intruding by showing up at the hospital, Maura reasoned. They weren't all that close; perhaps she wanted to give Maura time to recover from her ordeal, so as not to overwhelm her.

She wondered where Jane was.

The next day she decided to give her statement down at the station; she wanted to check on progress at the lab, and to see who had been tasked with the examination of Harris' body. If it was Pyke, she'd have to step in and overrule that assignment. He was unreliable if someone wasn't watching over him and double-checking his work, and she couldn't safely do so on a case that involved her so directly; she couldn't risk being seen as trying to influence the evidence.

She was surprised when she arrived at BPD and it was Vince who took her to an interview room to record her statement. The was no sign of Jane in BRIC, but as she went over the details of the day before with the older detective she was sure she could sense Jane's presence behind the interview room window. She was probably too close to the case, Maura decided. Just as she couldn't be the one to examine Harris' body, Jane surely couldn't be the one to interview Maura. They had to make sure they did everything by the book; that they were above reproach.

Still, Jane didn't appear after Vince wrapped up the interview, so she made her way downstairs to her office, and began reviewing the crime lab's findings.

It didn't take long before she was overwhelmed with exhaustion once more. She hadn't slept well last night, and the tension and fear of the last few days were starting to take their toll. She had refused to rest when Jane's safety was at stake, and the drug-induced blackness of the chloroform had simply knocked her out, not allowed her to sleep. She felt now that she could sleep for a thousand years. But she was unwilling to return to her big empty house by herself. Though she knew Harris was dead, his accomplice was still out there. Perhaps they shouldn't be calling him an accomplice, she thought. It was more likely he was a teacher, or a master. He had planned this whole thing; the bait and switch, making them think Jane was the one in danger, then Angela, and finally taking Maura when everyone was looking the other way. He knew everything about them; the way BPD worked, how to push Jane's buttons, how to get Maura alone. He'd done it once, he could do it again.

Eventually she moved to lay down on her couch, unable to keep her eyes open any longer. She'd just rest for a moment, she thought, and then perhaps Jane would take her home.

She startled awake, disoriented. It was dark and for a moment she couldn't recognize her surroundings; she thought she was back in the abandoned hospital again. Before she could get her bearings there was a noise from the doorway and she snapped around to find its source, fully expecting to see Harris. For a moment, the face she saw was far worse; Hoyt's skinny frame blocked the doorway as he leered at her, and she let out an involuntary shriek of alarm.

"Doctor Isles! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to startle you!"

The vision of Hoyt was gone. She recognized her surroundings as being her office once more. A woman stood in the doorway, smiling apologetically at her.

"Melanie, please come in."

Maura got up to greet the woman, gathering herself as she switched on a light and smoothed out her wrinkled clothes self-consciously. She really needed to change, and to shower. She must look a mess; but at least Angela had brought her a change of clothes at the hospital after hers were taken by the crime lab techs.

She'd spoken to Melanie, the precinct psychologist, on a number of occasions in the past; once when the man she was dating turned out to be a murderer who tried to kill her; once when Jane was shot; and once when Jane was abducted. Now would probably be a good time to start seeing her again.

"I heard you were in the building; I thought I'd stop by and see how you're doing. You're not planning on returning to work so soon I hope?"

"No," Maura smiled reassuringly. "I just came in to give my statement. I was going to head home shortly but I just closed my eyes for a second and… well, I must have fallen asleep."

"You must be exhausted," Melanie smiled warmly. "I imagine you haven't slept properly for days."

Maura shook her head. "Not since the first threat against Jane. I slept a little last night, but not well."

"You're having nightmares?"

Maura nodded.

"Well, we don't have to get into this now. I'm sure you're keen to get home and rest. But when you're ready, give my office a call and we can set up an appointment to talk through everything you've experienced, and healthy ways to process everything so that you can take control back of your life and move forward."

"That sounds good, thank you."

Some control would be great right about now. She felt like she'd been fighting to keep it together for days. Hiring a bodyguard had helped when they'd thought someone was coming for Jane. Maura knew her friend would never willingly take a step back and let other people take care of her; she needed to be in control too. And Maura had felt so helpless, seeing Jane's fear and not being able to protect her. She was so focused on Jane that she'd just walked blindly into a trap and allowed herself to be abducted. She should have noticed something was off at the deserted crime scene. She had thought it was strange that Jane hadn't been there when she arrived… But Jane's absence was beginning to be familiar. She wondered again where her friend was now; why the precinct psychologist had come to check on her but Jane hadn't.

"Is there someone who can take you home? Shall I call Detective Rizzoli?" Melanie's voice broke through her thoughts.

"No, that's ok," Maura smiled with false brightness. "I'll have an officer escort me home."

* * *

Jane exploded through Maura's front door an hour later, almost causing her friend to drop her mug of tea all over the floor as she jumped in fright.

"There you are! She's right here, safe and sound. What did I tell you?" Angela chastised her daughter as she followed her into the house.

"Maura, where the hell have you been?" Jane demanded, her heart still hammering from the terrifying drive over as she'd imagined reaching the house and finding Maura gone again. "I thought you were at the station!"

"I had Officer Blakley drive me home," Maura faltered, staring at Jane's wild demeanour and trying to calm the hammering of her own heart after that entrance.

"Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"I was in the shower!"

Jane was pacing the room now, checking the locks on the windows and peering out into the yard. "You didn't ask him to stay?"

"Who?"

"Blakely!" Jane all-but shouted. He was going to catch hell when she next saw him. Maura was the recently recovered abductee of a mastermind who was still out there, and he just dropped her off at her empty house and left her alone? "Did he at least check the house before he left?"

"There's no one else here, Jane," Maura started, but now she was feeling nervous, the all-too familiar sense of panic creeping up her spine and setting her on edge. Officer Blakely hadn't checked the house, and she hadn't thought anything of it when she just jumped into the shower after he left, trying to fix the mess that Harris had made of her hair. She'd been so preoccupied and so tired, she hadn't even considered the possibility that someone could be be in the house with her… She suddenly felt violently ill.

"That's enough, Jane, you're scaring Maura," Angela cut in, moving over to the other woman and rubbing her back reassuringly.

The contact helped; Maura was suddenly overwhelmingly glad to have Angela here. Right now what she needed more than anything was a soft, familiar touch; hands that communicated love and that weren't there to harm her.

Though she appreciated Angela, such a touch from Jane would be even more welcome. But Jane was already bounding up the stairs with her gun unholstered, moving from room to room,checking for any sign of intrusion. Maura gripped Angela's hand and tried to slow her breathing until Jane slowly descended the stairs once more, returning her gun to its clip.

"Sorry Maur," she mumbled, her dark eyes filled with self-reproach. "I didn't mean to scare you. It's just that whoever Harris was working for is still out there, and until we catch him, I don't wanna take any chances."

She'd have an officer stationed outside Maura's house every night for the rest of the year, if that's what it took. There was no way she was going to let this asshole come for her again.

But of course BPD couldn't spare that kind of manpower longterm. After a few uneventful days the protective detail was pulled from Maura's house. The house was busy again as Constance arrived from Europe, and Angela moved into the guestroom so Maura's mother could take the guesthouse, meaning that Jane was sent packing back to Frankie's apartment. It drove her crazy to be so far away from Maura and her mother, unable to keep an eye on things. She understood that Maura was trying to reestablish her routine; to move forward; to get back some sense of control. She didn't want to live in fear, and Jane's behaviour was making her feel just that.

That was when she'd started sneaking into Maura's house at night and sleeping on the sofa. That way she could satisfy her need to know everything was alright, without worrying Maura further.

Jane knew Maura wasn't sleeping; she'd heard her friend crying out in the night as she thrashed against an assailant Jane couldn't see. She hated how helpless, how impotent she felt; she couldn't make Maura feel better and she couldn't find the person responsible. She was failing, badly. And Maura continued to be afraid and in danger because of her. Jane so badly wanted to go to her when she heard Maura startle awake night after night, but she resisted. She didn't know how to deal with this feeling, this helplessness. She was supposed to be the one who knew how to fix it, but she had nothing to give Maura. No answers, no solutions, no comfort when she didn't believe herself that things would get better. She was so afraid that they wouldn't. She was terrified that the person behind all this would return and once again she wouldn't be able to stop him. When Hoyt had come after her years before, she'd thought at the time that she was scared as she could ever be. But that was before he'd come for Maura, and she'd watched him run his scalpel across Maura's throat at the prison. In that moment she had known a new level of terror, and it had given her the strength to stop Hoyt, permanently.

That's what she needed to do now; to harness this fear and to use it to keep driving her forward. To stay alert, to stay ready, and to hunt down the sonofabitch who was threatening the people she loved. The person she loved most of all.

It was a thought she hadn't fully allowed to form; that floated in the edges of her mind. Why had he chosen Maura and not her mother or Frankie or Korsak? How had this person known what she had only barely acknowledged to herself; that Maura was the most important person in her life?

She couldn't dwell on that; couldn't think about her feelings for Maura or what it meant. That just clouded everything; filled her with an overwhelming fear of losing what she loved most. What she needed to focus on were the facts. So she poured herself into her work, but avoided seeing Maura too much; made excuses not to have lunch together, worked late so she wouldn't stay for dinner, insisted on driving her mother home after her shift and then checking over the house to ensure it was secure. And then she would slip back to the house late at night after she knew Maura had gone to bed, let herself in with her key, and curl up on the sofa, resolutely awake and alert until exhaustion overwhelmed her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided to go back to filling out some of the 'missing scenes', and adding in some of the internal dialogue from some of these episodes. Just trying to make the characters' actions feel a little more consistent. And also add in the Rizzles that the writers continue to be too afraid to acknowledge.

Maura wrenched herself awake, her heart pounding against her ribcage as she stared around wildly in the dark, groping for the sight of something familiar, something to anchor her. Slowly her bedroom swam into view, and after a minute the floor no longer seemed to tilt crazily, as the crushing blackness gave way to pale moonlight and she finally recognized her surroundings.

She took in a deep, shuddering breath, trying to calm her nerves. The dreams were always startlingly real, even though on some level she recognized them as dreams even as she was experiencing them. It didn’t seem to matter; dream or no, she was trapped in there; her mind remaking the source of all her fear in vivid and excruciating detail. She knew that rest was important to recovery; that her anxiety would only worsen if she didn’t sleep enough. And yet she avoided going to bed because of the dreams she knew would come, as her subconscious tried to reconcile itself to what had happened to her.

She lay back against her pillows, suddenly shivering as the adrenaline surged through her, and the cool night air chilled her clammy skin. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep now; she was too keyed up; fight or flight instinct had taken over her body. But she had some techniques to deal with this now, she reminded herself. She’d talked at length with Melanie about various coping mechanisms; ways to reduce her anxiety, and to process her trauma.

_ I am safe _ , she began her mantra.

_ No one is going to hurt me. I am in my home, and I am safe. _

_ No one is coming through the door. No one is coming to get me. _

_ I am scared, but this moment will pass. I am not in danger. I will be ok. _

She closed her eyes as she whispered the words quietly to herself, focusing on slowing her heart rate, on taking slow, deep breaths.

After a few minutes she felt calmer, but still far too wired and anxious to sleep again. She reached for the journal on her nightstand in which she had begun recording her dreams; how they made her feel; what was frightening about them; what she still feared.

Perhaps a soothing cup of tea would still her nerves; allow her to sleep again tonight. She climbed out of bed, journal in hand, and padded downstairs to the kitchen, rubbing her eyes sleepily. She was exhausted. She hadn’t slept properly in… well, over a week. Not since before she was taken in fact. As soon as the threats against Jane had begun, she’d given up on rest, pouring all of her energy and focus into ensuring Jane was safe. And since she’d returned home following her abduction, sleep had been fleeting and never restful.

She set the kettle to boil and sat down with her journal, ready to begin the unpleasant task of pulling back into consciousness the details of the dream so she could analyse her fears in the cold light of day--or midnight as was the case here--and get some much-needed perspective.

She was just opening her journal to begin writing when she heard the sound- the telltale creaking just meters away; somewhere closeby; in her living room.

She wasn’t alone.

The realization hit her like a tonne of bricks and made her knees weak and her stomach churn.

No, surely this was just a product of her sleep-deprived imagination. Her brain overreacting to ordinary stimuli; the house settling; a pipe heating; the floorboards contracting in the changing temperature.  _ Catastrophizing _ ; that’s what Melanie called it. The mind would spin out a scenario, tell itself a story based on the loosest of facts, imagining an entire hypothetical as a foregone conclusion when there was nothing at all to suggest that this would be the case.

She steeled herself and then stood carefully, determined to confront her fears and prove to herself that this was just her traumatized mind reacting in a completely understandable but unnecessary way to what had happened to her. She crept into the living room, unconsciously raising the journal she still clutched in her hand as if she could use it as some kind of weapon.

There  _ was  _ someone there, she realized with a jolt of fear; it  _ wasn’t  _ her mind playing tricks.

She couldn’t take the suspense any more, quickly turning on the light so as to know at least what awful predator she might be dealing with.

_ Jane _ .

The sight of her dearest friend sprawled out on the sofa filled her immediately with relief. No one was here to get her; she wasn’t in danger. The only person in her house right now was someone who loved her; someone who she trusted above all others. Then abruptly her relief was replaced with supreme irritation. What the hell was Jane doing here? She’d damn-near given Maura a heart attack; didn’t she know better than to go sneaking around in the home of someone who had recently lived through a traumatic experience? And what was she doing sleeping on the couch like this? Creeping into the house in the middle of the night?

“Jane!” she snapped loudly.

“Whatisitwhatswrong??” Jane blurted out, sitting bolt upright.

“What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”

“Ummmm-- I was-- I was just stopping by,” Jane mumbled lamely, avoiding Maura’s gaze as she sat up on the sofa, her heart slowly returning to its normal rate after that unexpected wakeup call.

“You’re watching us.”

“No!”

“How long have you been sneaking in?”

“It’s not sneaking- I have a key,” Jane mumbled guiltily. She knew she had been caught out; it was pointless to defend herself, so she went with sarcasm and snark instead.

“I understand the nervousness but  _ this _ ,” Maura gestured to the bundle of blankets in which Jane had been nesting, “is not a solution.”

“It’s just until we catch him, Maura.”

Maura sighed deeply as she sat down next to Jane, trying to quell her irritation. She was trying so hard not to let this person get to her; not to allow her fear to rule her life. She was reading all the right books, and doing plenty of yoga and meditation, and seeing Melanie three times a week. She was determined not to let this beat her. And then Jane showed up in the middle of the night to remind her of how much she had to be afraid of, and how afraid Jane was. There was nothing more terrifying to Maura than seeing Jane scared. Jane was a rock, always. She went into cop-mode and took control and got the job done. She didn’t skulk around, furtively checking windows and doors, worrying uselessly. Maura understood the impulse; the anxiety, the compulsions. Jane had been thoroughly traumatized by this person too; first losing her home and all her possessions, then fearing for her own life, then her mother’s, and finally her best friend’s. But Jane would never admit to feeling out of control, especially not now. Once, when Hoyt had been hunting her all those years ago, she had shown up at Maura’s house in the middle of the night, and she had admitted that she’d never been so scared in all her life. But now she had just drawn into herself, putting up protective walls, shutting Maura out. It hurt more than Maura was willing to admit.

“You need to talk to someone,” Maura said firmly. “Melanie has been very helpful; she’s given me a lot of tools to help me cope with having been abducted. Every time I feel anxious or scared I just write it in my journal. It’s a way of voiding the onset of PTSD.”

“So what are you doing up in the middle of the night?” Jane quirked an eyebrow at her, shooting down her solution with a look.

Maura sighed, frustrated at how Jane could demolish all her good intentions and progress with one little remark. “It’s a process.”

“Well, I’ll see how your therapy goes and then maybe I’ll consider talking to somebody.”

Maura sighed again, deciding to drop it. It was too late and she was too tired to get into a fight with Jane, who was stubborn and contrary at the best of times, but certainly when she felt threatened. Besides, she didn’t want Jane picking any more holes in her attempts to get herself back to control and normality. Therapy might not be Jane’s thing, but it was important to Maura.

She got up and headed back to the kitchen for her tea.

“You don’t need to sleep on the sofa, you can stay in the guest room,” she called over her shoulder as she headed back upstairs, not looking at Jane again. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jane watched her retreating form, bewildered at Maura’s abrupt change in tone, and then kicking herself for having not been more sensitive. She flopped back on the sofa and pulled the blanket over her head despondently. Upstairs, Maura lay awake, staring at the ceiling and taking deep breaths to stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks.

 

* * *

 

 

The crime scene was eerily reminiscent of her own; an abandoned building, grubby and grimy, evidence of a person having been tied up. The only difference was the body of a woman, lying on the floor. But there was no body at her crime scene, Maura reminded herself; she’d escaped- got free and fled. Still, it could have gone very differently, if she hadn’t been able to avoid the chloroform, or find a weapon, or if Jane had got there a few minutes later. Perhaps then the scene at the abandoned hospital would have looked a lot more like this one. As she crouched over the body of the murder victim, she couldn’t help but stare fixedly at the strip of fabric left abandoned on the floor that had clearly been used to tie someone up. The memory of the feeling of helplessness and fear suddenly welled up in her, bubbling up in her chest until her vision swam and she wasn’t sure any more that she wasn’t really there- back in the abandoned hospital again, unable to get out.

“Maur- dyou see any abrasions on her wrists?” Jane’s voice cut through the thick haze in her head.

Maura wrenched her mind back to the present, to the body she was supposed to be examining. A quick look at the woman’s wrists confirmed that the murder victim had never been held against her will like Maura had; she’d met her untimely end for some other reason.

“No-” she managed to get out. “No I don’t see any rope burns or other abrasions on the skin.”

Jane had picked up on her distracted response; it was impossible to hide anything from the detective. Still, Maura tried. Even as Jane tried to give her an out, suggest they bring in Kent to process the scene, Maura was already rushing to reassure her that she was fine. She had to be; she was the medical examiner; was she going to pass the buck whenever a crime scene involved an abandoned building or an abduction? That would mean sitting out on half their cases. No- she was determined to face things head-on; not to allow herself to establish a pattern of avoidance that would be hard to break. And the flashbacks really weren’t that bad, she told herself. They were just unexpected, and therefore impossible to prepare for. Just a few minutes ago she had been joking with Jane about Korsak’s imminent engagement, and then suddenly she was viscerally thrust into the memory of a trauma that was still too fresh and too raw to keep at bay.

The most important thing to her in this moment was to keep going; to ignore the look Jane shot Korsak, to pretend she was fine, and to do her job. Jane was already worried and distracted enough as it is, without Maura adding to things by falling apart at a crime scene. Maura had noticed, as they’d made their way into the building minutes ago, the way Jane kept rubbing the palms of her hands and flexing her fingers into fists the way she always did when her scars were bothering her. Sometimes it just meant a change in the weather, but Maura suspected the involuntary movements were more likely a reflection of Jane’s state of mind. They’d been talking about Korsak’s impending engagement, and Jane had been fretting about her old partner settling down and leaving the force.  _ He’s always been there for me _ , she’d said, as she rubbed at the scars given to her by the man who’d broken up her partnership with Korsak. Her partner had saved her life; showed up just in time to stop Hoyt, on two separate occasions, but Jane had never been able to move past the fact that he’d seen her at her weakest and most vulnerable. Vince had always had her back, and now she feared he was leaving, right when she most needed someone to look out for her.

Whoever had taken Maura was still out there, plotting his next move. And Jane was scared. It was nerve wracking to see her friend so worried; Jane was always so unflappable, so determined and driven; like a force of nature. Now she seemed like leaf being tossed about on the breeze; at the mercy of the elements. She rubbed her hands and chewed on her lip and was constantly distracted. Maura had the feeling that whenever she spoke to Jane now, her friend was only half there. The rest of her mind was always somewhere else, dwelling on things she wouldn’t or couldn’t share with Maura.

To fight the feelings of loneliness and lack of control, Maura tried to encourage Jane to focus on moving forward, the way Maura herself was trying to. She tried to encourage Jane to think about finding a new place; she was still sleeping in that glorified closet at Frankie’s. Despite Jane’s protests that her future living situation had to be a safe distance from her mother, Maura’s discovery that Jane had been sneaking into her house in the middle of the night to sleep on the sofa suggested that such proximity wasn’t actually such a problem. Jane hadn’t expressed concern directly to Maura that her life could still be in danger, but that was clearly her thinking when she had started sneaking in to conduct her midnight vigil. Perhaps she just hadn’t wanted to worry Maura; it was one of many ways in which Maura was aware of Jane’s concern, even if she wouldn’t talk about it. 

Jane wouldn’t really talk about anything at the moment, though Maura was sure she was internalizing a lot of the blame for what was happening to her, and worrying about it happening again. She didn’t want to move to a new place in case that was burned down too- or in case the neighbours found out. And she wasn’t enthused about the townhouse sublet that Maura told her about, despite her assurances that her professor friend was well aware of the risks he was undertaking by renting to Jane. She understood why Jane was having a hard time moving forward; it’s hard to take positive steps when the person who’s trying to make your life miserable is still out there, waiting to make his next move. But for Maura, inaction just wasn’t an option. Jane seemed to be shutting down, closing in on herself and reverting to a holding pattern until she could resolve this. But Maura couldn’t stop moving- if she did, she’d be shut up in that abandoned hospital forever, trapped in her nightmares. The only way for her to get out, was to keep moving. To go to work every day, to write her anxieties in her journal; to keep going to her sessions with Melanie. Whatever it takes to keep going forward, til it felt like she had some control over her life again.

 

* * *

“Pretty solid walls,” Jane noted to Frankie as they scanned the blood-soaked room adjacent to the one where they’d found the body. “Somebody could scream in here for hours and no one’d hear them.”

She gnawed on her lower lip, the half-finished thought hanging in the air. Everything about this crime scene made her think of what could have been; what she just narrowly avoided with Maura. Maura was held in a place very much like this; could have screamed for days and no one would have heard her. She was careful to make these little observations only in front of Frankie or Korsak, not in front of Maura. She knew Maura was already thinking it; she’d caught the faraway look on the medical examiner’s face when she’d asked about abrasions on the body and whether the woman could have been tied up. She knew that haunted look; knew what Maura was reliving. She’d had enough of her own horrific abduction experiences to remember what it was like to be at a crime scene and to see or smell or touch something that would suddenly send the memory of Hoyt slamming into her brain.

She hated that Maura was having to fight against those same flashbacks now. All because she’d screwed up and allowed Maura to be taken.

And now she might have to deal with all this shit without her oldest friend; her partner, the man she’d thought would always have her back. She’d been excited for Korsak initially, after her snooping mother had produced the engagement ring he’d had stashed in his desk. But that elation had quickly dissolved into misgivings. What if they hadn’t found this guy before Korsak and Kiki got married? Or what if they did, and then the next crazy asshole came along to fixate on Jane as his greatest nemesis? She had no doubt that Korsak would retire; why wouldn’t he? He was getting close to that age, and he had already lost three marriages to the job; she didn’t think he was likely to risk Kiki too. And it was a risk; it was always a risk. It was an impossible ask of a loved one, to want you to do this kind of work.

She remembered saying to Maura years ago that the kind of man she could love wouldn’t want her doing this job, and she loved this job. She’d chosen her career over Casey, even. And she couldn’t help but feel she’d chosen it over her family as well. Her job had put her mother in danger; had put Maura in danger. Was it worth it? She didn’t believe Korsak thought so; not this time; not with Kiki. He would retire and then she would be all on her own.  _ At least you’ll have me _ , Maura had said. And Jane had smiled and responded that she wouldn’t be carrying a gun, even if she was fantastic with a scalpel, all the while thinking that Maura was the last person in the world she’d want to drag into the kind of situations she tackled with Korsak. It was one thing to risk herself; it was another entirely to risk Maura.

Even the regular crime scenes like today’s seemed to Jane like too much to expect of Maura. She’d tried to suggest her friend take some more time off, offered her every opportunity to bring in Kent to deal with this kind of work, but Maura refused. She was determined not to let her experiences define her, but it broke Jane’s heart to see her struggling through a panic attack, trying to regain control.

As much as Jane tried to protect Maura from the job, Maura kept coming back. And she never suggested that Jane take some time off, even as she kept pushing her to talk to Melanie. _ He’ll make a mistake, and you’ll catch him _ , Maura had reassured her, her faith in Jane always unwavering.

It was hard to believe it though, when Korsak was keeping her at arm’s length. She understood that she couldn’t lead the investigation on her own case, but she was going stir-crazy with not knowing. She knew Nina was chasing down leads on the hacker who had shut down her bank accounts, and they were closing in on a suspect. But being shut out of the investigation made her feel almost as helpless as the attacks themselves.

She avoided talking about the case with Maura when possible, but it was clear that Maura’s determination to be fine also meant that her desire was as strong as Jane’s to be involved in catching the guy who was targeting them. It was strange, the way they talked about the latest developments, as if the person responsible for hacking Jane’s accounts wasn’t also the person responsible for abducting Maura. But, to the extent they’d talked about Maura’s abduction at all, they talked about it as if it was completely separate from what was happening to Jane. It was the only way they could deal with it, Jane supposed. It was a way for Maura to stay current and involved in their progress to track down the man who was torturing Jane, without her having to constantly face what was done to her. And for Jane; well, she hadn’t quite figured out how to deal with what had happened to Maura, and her role in it. And the fact that, so long as this guy was still out there, he could come for Maura again. She could vent her frustrations with Korsak’s refusal to share intel with her about the hacker, and she could understand that he was only keeping her at arm’s length to ensure that the defense wouldn’t tear apart their case when they finally caught the guy and took the case to trial. But as soon as she started to think about this same guy doing what he’d done to Maura… Jane’s patience with being held at bay by her colleagues wore thin very quickly. 

 

* * *

 

Maura hadn’t intended to confide in Angela about how much she was struggling. She hadn’t intended to confide in anyone; it wasn’t really her way. It hadn’t been since she was a child; she was so used to dealing with problems on her own and pretending to be fine so as not to bother her parents. But the “I’m fine” routine wasn’t working on Angela, and the woman was never one to be easily fobbed off with excuses. That was the Rizzolis through and through- they wouldn’t let you get away with anything. They would talk and yell and fight and cry and cajole and stamp their feet and hug; it was so messy and raw and wonderful. Before she’d been sucked into that family, she had no idea how much she needed connection like that.

She still didn’t have that kind of relationship with her mother. Constance had visited after her abduction to make sure she was alright, but Maura was aware that she wouldn’t really know how to deal with the fact that she wasn’t, so they both went along with the fiction of Maura being fine. Hope had been in touch a few times as well, but Maura just didn’t feel able to open up to her birth mother that way; they hadn’t known each other long enough, she supposed. Usually she’d talk to Jane, but that was out of the question in this case. Jane was already worried enough; she didn’t want to be a burden. So without her best friend to talk to, perhaps it was natural that she had begun confiding in Angela.

“Please don’t say anything to Jane,” she’d sighed, wrapping her arms around herself protectively as she decided to take a risk and open up to Angela. “I don’t want her worrying about me.”

“Like you could ever stop her,” Angela had replied knowingly as Maura looked away, unable to meet her gaze. “But I understand.”

“I just don’t want to be a burden,” she hurried to explain.

“You know you could never be a burden to her.” Angela spoke with sure self-assurance that Maura almost believed it.

“Is she alright?” Maura ventured. “I mean, I know she’s not, but she’s… she’s not talking to me, so I don’t really know…”

“She’s not talking to me either,” Angela sighed. “This is what she does. Jane’s never been good at dealing with emotion. Even when she was a little girl and I would go to hug her she’d always squirm away. She’s never been good at expressing herself, or dealing with strong feelings.” She paused thoughtfully. “Except with you. I always thought you had a good influence on her. You seem to ground her, allow her to open up in a way she’s always found difficult.”

“Well, not any more,” Maura smiled ruefully.

“You’re _both_ cutting each other out,” Angela chastised. “You’re both so concerned with protecting each other from your feelings, you can’t see how much you both need each other.”

Maura looked away, pretending to consider her notes on PTSD. Angela was pointing to the elephant in the room; the thing she’d been avoiding acknowledging since she’d been taken. That she’d avoided for years before that; since Hoyt, the killer famed for torturing and murdering couples, had chosen to attack Jane through her. And now the same seemed to be happening again; someone had figured out that the best way to get to Jane was through Maura. And the both of them had been carefully avoiding addressing that fact for weeks. She knew their relationship wasn’t like that of most friends, and Angela seemed clear on that too, judging by the way she was hinting. But that wasn’t something that she or Jane had ever acknowledged or attempted to interrogate, and this seemed like the absolute worst time to do so. But not talking seemed to widen the gulf between them, til she worried that they might never move past this and get back to who they were, whatever that was.

 

* * *

 

 

Korsak was going to get married, and he was probably going to retire in the not-too-distant future. These were facts that Jane would just have to accept. She’d never found change easy; she was a creature of habit. She didn’t go on exotic vacations or seek out new foods or daydream about all the ways her life could have been different. She still lived within ten minutes of the house she’d grown up in. She still saw her mother and brother every day. She still watched every Red Sox game, played basketball on the weekends, drank the same drank of beer she always had. She loved her job, and she loved her city, and she loved her friends. These were the constants in her life and truthfully, she never desired anything else. When Casey had asked her to marry him, for a minute she really thought she could go through with it. But looking back now it was so obvious it was a lost cause. Leave her job and her friends and family and the city she loved, to live on an army base a thousand miles away and be a housewife? She wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes.

And yet, things change. So much was out of her control.

“Where do you see yourself in ten years?” Korsak had asked as they sat in the car, staking out the building where their perp was hiding out.

Where did she see herself? She had no idea. “Maura said that she would move to Maine and write mystery novels,” she finally responded.

“I wasn’t asking about Maura, I was asking about you.” She didn’t like the knowing look Korsak was giving her. Fair enough, he hadn’t mentioned Maura, but she knew what Maura’s hopes and dreams were, whereas her own were so much more difficult to articulate.

“I don’t know- probably right here, doing the same things. Just with a different partner.”

“What about family?”

She smiled ruefully, thinking of Casey and her miscarriage. “I couldn’t give up being a cop, and I never figured out how to have both, so.”

“Job takes a toll,” her old partner agreed.

“But I wouldn’t change a thing.”

And yet… things would change, whether she liked it or not. And now she’d brought up Maura’s plans for the future, and Korsak’s retirement loomed, she started to really try and visualize herself in ten years. Without Korsak, without Maura… Would she really go to Maine and write novels? Realistically, Maura was probably headhunted on a weekly basis; there were so many opportunities out there, and Maura didn’t shy away from exploring the unknown the way Jane did. The next big step in Maura’s career could present itself any day, and unlike Jane’s hope to climb the Boston PD ladder, there were no guarantees that Maura’s ambitions would see her staying in the city.

The thought was unspeakably depressing, and was only compounded by how awkward with each other Jane and Maura had been in the last weeks. She suddenly felt so guilty for having allowed this gulf to open up between them; for not having shown more emotional maturity towards their situation. She had been worried sick and wracked with guilt, and somehow she’d managed to put that on Maura by pushing her away instead of keeping her close when they both most needed it.

She was dialing Maura’s number before she’d even really thought about it, leaving Korsak in the car and sitting on the steps of a nearby building. Maura had been sick and feverish this morning- Jane should have checked in on her before now. How had she allowed herself to fall into such bad habits? To let her worry over her stalker impact her relationship with Maura so badly.

A warm smile spread across her face as Maura’s chipper voice answered the phone.

“Howr you feeling this morning?” Jane asked.

“Except for a crazy dream this morning I am back to my old self.”

“Well that’s good news.” She wondered how Kent’s Bedouin remedy had worked out, ignoring a twinge of jealousy at the friendship he and Maura seemed to have struck up.

“So howr you holding up out there?”

“Oh, ok I guess. Korsak and I were talking about him retiring and it just got me thinking. You think your life’s never gonna change and then one day it just does.”

“That’s the nature of things,” Maura replied, frustratingly nonplussed as always. How could she just take all this in her stride while Jane was worrying about losing everything that meant anything to her?

“Yeah,” she forged ahead. “And then I realized that one day you’re gonna tell me that you’re gonna move to some podunk town in Maine and write novels.”

She was willing Maura to contradict her; to laugh at the fantasy. But instead she replied, “Well I hope I get to tell you that one day.”

Jane’s heart sank. “Well, I’ll miss you.”

It was the most honest thing she’d managed to say to Maura in weeks, after guarding her emotions so carefully, keeping Maura at arm’s length, focusing on being objective. She almost felt like Maura was already gone.

“No you won’t,” came the firm response. “You won’t have a chance because I’m either taking you with me, or you’re going to visit all the time.”

She was grinning again in a second. Could it really be possible that Maura wouldn’t just outgrow this place and leave her, as so many people had before? People always seemed to be leaving; her father, Gabriel Dean, Casey, now Korsak. People always had other things to do, places to be, careers to advance in other cities. But here was Maura, promising that whatever changes came, wherever she went, of course Jane would be with her. Like it was just a given.

“Ok, but can you make sure you get a basketball court?” Jane teased.

Warmth grew in her stomach as Maura laughed in response, and she hung up the phone feeling better than she had in weeks. She knew Maura was joking, but she also wasn’t; suddenly she was filled with the conviction that yes, they would be in each others’ future. And suddenly that was the only thing she really cared about. She’d never formulated this thought so clearly before. But the dream appeared before her quickly and clearly; she and Maura living in Maine, in an old house in the middle of nowhere, Maura writing mystery novels while Jane chopped wood and maybe went hunting and critiqued Maura’s characterization of the feisty detective who would be the heroine of her stories. She shook her head ruefully, shaking off the self-indulgent fantasy as ridiculous. But she was still grinning when she got back in the car with Korsak to resume their stakeout, the weight that she had been carrying on her shoulders suddenly lifted.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Started to ignore canon a little harder in this chapter. I really liked the potential of the Alice Sands storyline, but I feel like it was just wasted. And Jane and Maura kept behaving so OOC. So I fixed it :p

Alice Sands.

 

Jane stared at the file she’d just been handed, her brain a whirl of clamoring thoughts and emotion.

 

Frankie and Nina watched her apprehensively, waiting for a sign of recognition.

 

“She was in the Academy at the same time as you,” her brother prompted helpfully, as if she couldn’t read what was written on the page right in front of her. “You remember her?”

 

“She had the second highest score in my class, of course I remember her.”

 

“Second highest?” Nina queried.

 

“Jane was top her her class,” Frankie explained.

 

“Ah,” Nina responded, understanding. “So you two were aware of each other then.”

 

“You could say that,” Jane murmured, still not taking her eyes from the file. “Every time new scores were posted, her name was right there, right below mine. She was good; she came close to beating me a lot of times.”

 

“But not close enough,” Korsak chimed in. “The Academy is competitive at the best of times. How you score has a huge influence on where you land after you graduate. Jane was top of her class; highest scoring female graduate at Boston Police Academy up to that point. Her reputation preceded her when she joined the force.”

 

“Yeah everyone remembers the top scorer. No one remembers second-best,” Frankie added.

 

“Doesn’t make any sense,” Jane muttered, worrying her lip as she flicked through Alice Sand’s rap sheet. “Second best is still pretty damn good. And sure, we were competitive; it was that kind of environment and I always gave as good as I got. But I’m sposed to believe that she was so sore about not graduating top of the class that she held a grudge for- what- two decades? Not only that- she dropped out of the police academy, sold out all her values and turned to a life of crime, became a successful drug runner, and then, more than twenty years since the last time she saw me, launched some murderous vendetta against me and my family?” She stared at them incredulously. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“Clearly she’s fixated on you as the source of her troubles. Maybe because the Academy was supposed to be the start of a great career, but instead it’s when her life started to go off track?” Vince suggested.

 

Jane shook her head again. “There’s gotta be more to it than that.”

 

“One way to find out,” Vince responded, picking up the phone and dialing the prison where Sands was serving a four-year sentence. “Yes, this is Detective Korsak at the Boston Police Department. I need information on a current inmate.”

 

“This is good news, Jane,” Frankie tried to placate her. “We know who she is; we know where she is; that means we can go talk to her and make her stop all this, and then add a couple of arson, kidnapping, and attempted murder charges to her sentence. She won’t be getting out any time soon.”

 

“Actually, I’m afraid it’s too late for that,” Korsak interrupted, replacing the receiver in its cradle. “Alice Sands was released three days ago.”

 

“She’s out?” Jane stared at him in horror. “Where? Where did she go?”

 

Her gaze strayed to Maura who had been hanging back, watching the scene unfold, taking it all in. The woman who had arranged Maura’s kidnapping had been behind bars until three days ago, but now there was absolutely nothing stopping her from personally coming after Maura and Jane and everyone she loved.

 

“We’re on it,” Nina assured her, heading back towards BRIC with Frankie in tow. “We’ll look into visitors, friends, family members, anyone she could be staying with.”

 

“Her father was a career cop,” Vince followed, looking at the file. “I’ll talk to him, see if he knows where she might be. We know who she is now, Jane. It’s only a matter of time before we find her.” He grabbed his badge from his desk and started heading for the door as Jane sat down heavily at her desk, barely aware of his leaving.

 

She thought she’d be relieved to finally put a face to the person who’d brought her so much pain and misery. But all she felt was frustration and confusion. When Maura had brought up Hoyt a few weeks ago, in describing the relationship Harris seemed to have with his accomplice, Jane had been filled with so much tension she’d felt like she was vibrating. But now to look at the mug shot of Alice Sands, and to be given a motive as pedestrian as high school jealousy? She was supposed to accept that something as stupid as test scores had prompted this woman to destroy everything that Jane held dear? Had inspired her to burn down Jane’s home, threaten her mother, abduct and beat Maura? It couldn’t be that; it just couldn’t be. It was too senseless. She needed a reason she could understand for the pain that had been heaped on her and the people she loved. And this wasn’t it. It couldn’t be.

 

And she’d done all this from behind bars. Now, there was absolutely nothing stopping her from enacting her revenge on Jane. Jane looked hesitantly over to where Maura had been standing, needing to know how the other woman was taking the news but afraid to see the look on Maura’s face. But she was gone.

 

* * *

 

It was way past lunch the next day when Jane finally made it to the Dirty Robber to grab some food. She’d spent the morning pouring over Alice Sand’s rap sheet, calling up the drug unit to request the transfer of all files pertaining to Sands, talking to arresting officers, trying to understand as much about her apparent nemesis’ life as possible. Korsak had returned from Sand’s father’s house with boxes full of high school ephemera, accolades and test scores, newspaper clippings and the various paraphernalia a proud father keeps of his successful daughter, stopping abruptly when she dropped out of the Academy.

 

Jane had looked over a few things from their Academy days; races she remembered, exams they both would have taken. But it told her nothing more than what she already knew. Alice Sands was a star student. Then she abruptly threw away what would surely have been a successful career in law enforcement, dropped out, and became a career criminal, seemingly without explanation. And then twenty years later, began an equally inexplicable vendetta against Jane. The senselessness of it all was making her blood boil and everyone could see it, so she left to get some food at her beleaguered colleagues’ insistence, to give them a break from her oppressive hovering.

 

Observing the look with which her mother fixed her as she entered the bar, it was abundantly clear to Jane that a peaceful lunch was not on the cards.

 

“Ma, I haven’t slept, I haven’t eaten since yesterday, and I have a tonne of work to do, so whatever lecture you’re gearing up to give me, please can it just wait til after I’ve had my lunch?”

 

“No it can’t,” Angela responded before backtracking quickly, “Wait, what do you mean you didn’t eat since yesterday? Sally!” she yelled towards the kitchen, “I need a double hamburger with cheese and fries please!”

 

Jane opened her mouth to object to her mother ordering for her, and then quickly shut it as she thought about how tired she was and the fact that she would have ordered the exact same thing anyways, and while she would usually give her mother shit just to be perverse, it probably wasn’t the best use of her time and energy right now.

 

“So Vince told me you found the woman who’s been targeting you,” Angela started again in a more conciliatory tone.

 

“Yeah,” Jane slid onto a stool at the bar. “But she got out of prison three days ago and we have no idea where she is.”

 

“How does that make you feel?”

 

Jane stared at her incredulously. “Oh, just peachy! How d’you think, Ma? It makes me mad as hell! We had her- and now we’re just back to square one.”

 

“Ok! I was only asking!” Angela snapped back. Any subtle attempt to encourage Jane to talk about her feelings was always a disaster. She took a deep breath and tried again in a much more measured tone. “And how about Maura?”

 

“What do you mean?” Jane eyed her suspiciously, wondering what this ‘talk’ was gearing up to.

 

“How’s she feeling about all this? This Alice woman has targeted her too. She must be feeling something about the fact that she’s on the loose.”

 

“Yeah,” Jane avoided her mother’s gaze, unwilling to admit that she hadn’t seen Maura since they found out about Alice Sands. She’d just buried her head in a pile of research and focused on figuring out how to track the woman down. It had seemed like the best use of her time, being as every moment Sands was at large, her and Maura’s lives we in danger. But in truth, she hadn’t been able to face Maura. The guilt at what was happening to her because of Jane was too much to take. It paralyzed her, and the last thing she needed to be right now was immobile.

 

Knowing that avoidance was Jane’s MO, Angela responded calmly but firmly, “You need to talk to her. She’s not ok, Jane.”

 

Jane’s eyes snapped up to meet her mother’s. “What do you mean?”

 

“It’s not my place to say,” Angela focused on scrubbing a sticky patch on the bar with her towel. “But you need to talk to her. And she needs to talk to you. You can’t just knuckle down and plough through this. You both keep saying you’re fine, and I know you’re not, and I know you don’t want to talk to me about it, but you should at least talk to each other.”

 

“Look, I don’t have time for a therapy session, Ma. I’m a little busy trying to catch this bitch so she doesn’t get the chance to hurt any of us ever again!” Jane snapped defensively.

 

“Now listen young lady,” Angela slapped down the towel and set her hands determinedly on her hips. “I have let a lot of things slide lately, because I know you’re under a lot of pressure. I haven’t bothered you about talking to somebody- seeing a therapist or something, like Maura is- because I know you deal with things in your own way and you don’t always find it easy to talk about your feelings. You’re much more like your father that way-”

 

“Yeah, let’s not compare me to that man,” Jane frowned in disgust. As far as she was concerned, she was absolutely nothing like her father.

 

“Well it’s true! I always think if he’d been a bit better at talking about his feelings, if we’d actually been honest with each other about how unhappy we were, maybe our marriage would have gone differently.”

 

“No Ma,” Jane cut her mother off again. “Your marriage didn’t fail because dad wasn’t good at talking about his feelings, or because you weren’t honest with him. It failed because he cheated on you with a woman half his age!”

 

“Yeah well, be that as it may, some good communication would have gone a long way to dealing with the issues in our marriage. And you and Maura could definitely benefit from some improved communication right now. I tried to get him to go to couple’s counselling but he just wouldn’t have it-”

 

“Ma, Maura and I are not a couple!”

 

“-and really I think that’s why Ron and I have such a solid relationship; because we always talk through everything-”

 

“Ma, Maura and I are very different to you and Ron.”

 

“Yes I know that but the principle is the same-”

 

“Ma!”

 

“What?”

 

Jane sighed the sigh of a long-suffering daughter. “I have to get back to work.”

 

Angela fixed her eldest with a hard look. “She needs you, Jane. And you haven’t been there. And she’ll never say anything because she doesn’t want you to worry, but I can see how it’s weighing on her.”

 

She was momentarily stunned into silence by her mother’s words. Yes, consciously or unconsciously, she had been avoiding spending too much time with Maura. Her top priority was to catch Sands so that she couldn’t hurt Maura or Jane or anyone else any more. And Maura was always so proactive; going to therapy, writing in her journal, meditating, doing all her things to ensure that this situation wouldn’t get to her, and that she’d be fine. She always said she was fine. But of course she wasn’t, and Jane knew if she’d asked, she would have seen that Maura wasn’t fine. And so she hadn’t asked, because she didn’t know how to deal with seeing that.

 

“Yeah well how’s she gonna feel if I tell her how scared and mad and frustrated I feel too? Probably just twice as bad,” Jane muttered defensively, feeling worse by the minute.

 

“I think she’d be happy that you shared your feelings with her. It might help her share her own with you. It make actually make both of you feel better if you confided in each other like you used to, instead of holding each other at arm’s length.”

 

“Look, I appreciate the advice Ma, but I gotta get back to work,” Jane hastily grabbed her things as Sally approached with a to-go box. “I’ll talk to you later!”

 

“Talk to Maura!” Angela yelled after her, as the door of the Dirty Robber slammed closed behind her daughter’s rapidly retreating form.

 

As Jane fled back to the office, her conversation with Korsak from the day before echoed through her mind. Balanced precariously on the edge of a landmine, tears running down his face, he was already mourning the life he was supposed to have with Kiki. He’d said that being hunted by Sands must have made her feel the same; like her life was about to blow up too. She’d shrugged off the comparison, but the implication was clear. She’d been standing on a ticking timebomb for weeks, unsure when or how she might lose everything. And she thought of the way Korsak had brushed it off later on the phone with Kiki, not wanting to worry her, not wanting her to know how her life had almost been changed irrevocably. It was an impossible thing that they asked the ones they loved to live with. The possibility that the job could kill them any day.

 

_ You’re not the only one that this is happening to. _

 

That’s what Maura had said to her. Maura, who had stayed up late with her, combing through files to try and find the person that connected all their suspects together; the mastermind who had orchestrated all of this. Maura, who had called in a lifetime of favours the day before to get the bomb squad the tools they needed to save Korsak, while Jane was just about losing her damn mind. Maura, who remained cool-headed and objective even as Jane was yelling at everyone and losing it on suspects. Maura, who smiled and said she was fine, even though Jane knew she couldn’t sleep a whole night through without being woken by nightmares.

 

Her mother was right, she hadn’t been there. She’d put her fear and her guilt above the wellbeing of the person who meant most to her, and there was no excuse for it. Though the thought terrified her, Jane knew what she had to do. She had to talk to Maura.

 

* * *

Maura was going through the last few pieces of evidence from the boxes Korsak had retrieved from Alice Sand’s father, when Jane entered the lab looking characteristically agitated. She felt like Jane was a million miles away these days, her head always caught up with some new piece of evidence, ruminating on a connection that her mind hadn’t yet managed to make. Jane’s singular focus was what made her a great detective, even if it made her a pretty antisocial human being. When she was working on a case, everything else seemed to melt away as she leant her full attention to the matter at hand. Maura was similar in the way she worked; hours could go by while she was absorbed in a scientific journal on an experimental procedure, so she could sit down at noon and look up to find it was already dark outside and half the day had gone by. She had long ago learned not to take Jane’s curtness personally; when she was deep in a case, it was all she could see. And this case had gone on for far too long already. On the plus side, Jane’s single-mindedness had afforded Maura some respite; she didn’t want to worry Jane with her own feelings and struggles, and so long as Jane was focused on the case, she wouldn’t worry. Maura probably wouldn’t enter her head at all. Sometimes, that knowledge hurt Maura’s feelings, but right now she just accepted it as a fact, and used it to her own advantage.

 

“Any luck figuring out where Alice Sands went following her release?” Maura questioned, looking up from her work as Jane entered the room.

 

Jane nodded, already worrying her lip and tugging at her hair; her tells, showing her frustration and agitation. “She was picked up by someone driving a gold sedan, registered to a Wendy Allen- her old cell mate.”

 

“You think Alice recruited her to help with her vendetta against you?”

 

“Probably. She doesn’t seem to have any trouble convincing people to follow her.”

 

It was difficult to talk to Jane when she was like this, but by now Maura was an expert in coaxing information out of her friend. “What do you remember about her?”

 

“From the Academy? That she was charming; everyone liked her. She remembered people’s birthdays and whose grandma was sick. She was a real people person.”

 

“Were you friends?”

 

“No- more like professional rivals. I was pretty competitive back then-”

 

“Back then?” Maura smothered a smile and Jane rolled her eyes.

 

“Ok yes, I am still competitive now. But in my twenties it was different. I wanted to be the best. I didn’t care about making friends or making people like me. I wasn’t intentionally mean or anything, I was just… single minded.” She caught Maura’s look. “And yes I know I can still be like that now. But it was worse then, believe me. But everyone loved her- she was personable and outgoing, asked after people’s family members by name. I was never any good at any of that. It’s not that I didn’t care, or that I didn’t like anyone else, I was just…”

 

“Focused on being the best you could be?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I can relate to that,” Maura nodded, catching Jane’s knowing smile. Jane knew all about her struggles to make friends as a child when she was mostly known as ‘Maura the bore-a’. “And that fits my profile,” she continued, pleased that her day’s work appeared to align with Jane’s memory.

 

“Your what?”

 

Maura indicated the wall next to Jane which was covered in old transcripts, letters, test scores, and other ephemera from Alice Sand’s early life.

 

“I’ve created a psychological profile of Alice Sands. I thought if we could better understand the way she thought-”

 

“We could figure out what she’s gonna do next- that’s great Maura.”

 

Maura tried to ignore the little flutter in her stomach that she always seemed to get when Jane validated one of her theories, shaking her head at herself. No matter how long they worked together, or how many cases she solved, or how many accolades she received from the department or the city, one word of praise from Jane gave her a giddiness that was worth more than all that professional recognition put together.

 

“Alice Sands the high school student was popular,” Maura noted, pointing to each piece of evidence in turn. “Homecoming queen, smart, valedictorian, and driven.”

 

“I wanna be the first woman president, or the president of a corporation that makes that happen,” Jane read from Sand’s high school essay.

 

“She comes from a family of highly decorated police officers which creates a conflict,” Maura continued. “She assumed when she joined the academy she would excel, but she didn’t, she struggled- because you were there.”

 

“Because I always beat her?” Jane frowned. “See, I just don’t buy that as motive.”

 

Maura pushed down a twinge of irritation that flared up where pride had bloomed just a moment before. “She was clearly fixated on you, Jane, even then. She recorded your time in the mile, your test scores, all of which were faster, and higher than hers.”

 

“You can graduate number two and still be a good cop.”

 

“Well for Alice, anything less than number one was a failure, to her and her family. That’s probably why she dropped out of the academy,” Maura almost snapped in response. She took a slow breath to steady herself. This was just Jane’s way of interrogating the evidence; talking through the theory. It’s what they always did. But this case was too close, and Maura’s nerves worn too thin. Objectivity was becoming increasingly difficult.

 

Jane seemed to take note of the tension in her voice, because when she spoke again her tone had softened. “Yeah, I heard she had some kind of breakdown; too much pressure. But why now, after all these years? Something must have happened to set her off?”

 

“Based on this profile, Alice’s fixation with you, the seeds of which started in the academy, blossomed in prison.”

 

“She had time to think?”

 

“A narcissistic over-achiever needs someone to blame when things go wrong. Alice Sands thinks you’re the reason her life didn’t go as planned. That might explain why she chose a path so antithetical to the law; reacting against the thing that had taken such a mental and emotional toll on her. Perhaps she’s made you the personification of that experience. You became the youngest officer ever to be promoted to the rank of detective in BPD. And while she’s been sitting in prison for the last four years, your career has taken off; you’ve solved a lot of high-profile cases; you’re in the news every other week; you’ve received an award for bravery. You’re everything she wanted to be, and she lost everything trying to be that person. And she’s just been sitting in prison for the last four years, waiting, her life on hold.”

 

Jane nodded, taking it all in, and suddenly looking incredibly sad and tired.

 

“I just don’t think she’s going to stop coming after you, Jane,” Maura finished, feeling equally tired and despondent suddenly.

 

“Or you,” Jane whispered softly.

 

Maura met her gaze in surprise, before quickly looking away. It was the closest Jane had come to acknowledging the effect that Alice Sand’s vendetta against her was having on Maura.

 

“It’s not your fault, Jane,” she responded softly. “What she’s doing, you’re not to blame.”

 

“Maybe not, but how I’ve handled it- that’s on me. I know I’ve been… distant and distracted.”

 

Maura watched Jane studying her boots as she spoke, fidgeting awkwardly and unable to meet Maura’s eyes.

 

“You’ve had a lot on your plate,” she replied softly.

 

“That’s no excuse. Or, it’s just an excuse. And a bad one, at that.” Jane’s eyes suddenly darted around the room uncomfortably, pulling Maura out of their private bubble and back to the present, where lab techs bustled around and Kent pawed through a stack of Archie comics, glancing up at them curiously every so often. She quickly gestured for Jane to follow her into her office, hoping not to break the spell of this moment.

 

Jane followed quietly, biting her lip and pacing the floor as Maura closed the door behind them and moved to lean against her desk.

 

Finally Jane started again. “I’ve been… having a hard time… dealing with...,” she waved her arm expansively, “all this. I feel like I’m losing control and I have no idea how to get it back.”

 

Maura nodded. “It’s an impossible situation; too much to deal with alone. I know I’ve said this before, but it might help if you were to speak to a professional-”

 

“I have.”

 

Maura’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

 

“I know this might come as a shock but I do actually listen to you,” Jane chastised with a small smile. “He’s the same guy I saw after Hoyt…”

 

“Has he been helping?”

 

“Not really. But I guess it helped me realize some things. I’ve been having this dream, most nights. I’m in a crowd of people, but I can’t see any of their faces. And I know this person, the one who’s hunting me- Sands, I guess- is somewhere in that crowd. And I know if I don’t find them, the people I love will get hurt. And then I feel a knife go into my back and I wake up.”

 

“Well, you probably don’t need an advanced Freudian analysis to figure out the meaning there.”

 

“No. I’m not complicated,” Jane grinned ruefully.

 

“Hmm I beg to differ; you are deceptively complex,” Maura teased before becoming serious again. “So did you talk about the dream with your doctor? You said you realized something.”

 

“No. I mean yeah I mentioned it but that’s not what did it. I just realized that I’ve been pushing people away, since all this started. Since Harris took you. I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length. I thought it would help; stop me worrying and let me focus. But it just made me a bad friend. I should’ve been there for you Maur, and I wasn’t. I felt so guilty that you were hurt because of me, and I didn’t know how to handle it, and I didn’t wanna put all that guilt on you. So I just pushed you away.”

 

The words came out in a rush of emotion that left Maura feeling bowled over. Jane was seldom so free with her feelings, so open. It took Maura a minute to figure out how to respond. On the one hand, she was glad that Jane had decided to open up to her, but on the other, she knew that her behaviour wasn’t unique to the Alice Sands situation. Months and years of hurt at Jane’s apparent lack of consideration of her own feelings coloured Maura’s thoughts so that when she spoke, her tone was more harsh than she intended.

 

“Well, if we’re being honest, pushing people away thing isn’t new for you.”

 

She saw the surprise register on Jane’s face and quickly took a more conciliatory tone, rushing to explain.

 

“I mean, this current life-threatening situation isn’t the first major life event or trauma either of us has dealt with lately. It’s just been one thing after another. First you were planning to marry Casey and leave Boston and your career, then you broke up, then you found out you were pregnant, then you lost the baby. I found my birth mother, then lost her again, then donated a kidney to my half-sister. You jumped off a bridge and I thought you were dead. And that was all before Alice Sands had someone set fire to your home and abduct me. No one can experience all of that and be fine; it’s bound to take its toll. But instead of addressing it, you’ve been pushing me away, and you have for a long time. And I’ve let you.”

 

She didn’t look at Jane’s face until she was done talking, sure that if she did, if she saw the hurt that surely must be showing there, Maura wouldn’t be able to get the words out. And they needed to be said; she’d been carrying this hurt for too long in silence, afraid of driving Jane further away.

 

But when Jane finally spoke, her voice was small as she joked, “It’s been a crazy few years, huh?”

 

Maura nodded, not trusting herself to speak as tears stung at her eyes. She hadn’t intended to open up this can of worms, to address the distance that had been growing between them for so long, festering like an open wound. But honestly, she hadn’t expected Jane to care, or had been scared that she wouldn’t, that the slow decline in their relationship had only really mattered to Maura. But from the way Jane was blinking back her own tears, Maura could see that wasn’t the case. 

 

“I’m sorry I disappeared on you,” Jane whispered, her voice cracking.

 

“I’m sorry too.”

 

Maura reached out her hand to grasp Jane’s, and they stood in silence for a minute, unable to look at each other, unable to really move for all the weight of the emotion on the room. Maura wanted more than anything to pull Jane into her arms but she couldn’t make herself move, so she just gripped her hand tightly.

 

The tension was suddenly shattered by a brisk knock at the door as Kent entered. Jane dropped Maura’s hand quickly and turned away, swiping discreetly at her wet cheeks.

 

“Sorry to interrupt,” Kent looked awkwardly between his boss and the detective, before deciding to deliver his news and exit as quickly as possible. “Results are back from the mass. spec!”

 

“Thank you, Kent, I’ll be right out,” Maura spoke as professionally as she could, hoping her thick voice didn’t betray her emotion.

 

“I’d better go check on Frankie and Nina,” Jane croaked, her voice even deeper and more raspy than usual. She turned back quickly as she reached Maura’s door. “I’ll um- I’ll call you later?”

 

Maura nodded dumbly and managed a bright smile, which Jane mirrored before disappearing down the hallway. She breathed a huge sigh as she tried to gather herself to return to work. The room suddenly felt huge and empty where it had been so full of words and feelings a moment ago. This conversation had been such a long time coming, Maura thought as she smoothed her skirt and ran her fingertips under her eyes to smooth away any running mascara. But everything was still unresolved. They’d just named the thing, but whether the repercussions would be good or bad, she still wasn’t sure. One thing she did know, there had been a momentous shift in their relationship. Whether it was an end or a beginning, she didn’t know.


End file.
